Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year 2007

Was Y2K really 7 years ago? I still have two cases .223 and 10MM in the basement, you know, just in case. What a clusterhump that all turned out to be. I'm not a survivalist by any stretch, I would hate to be the last man alive on the planet. On the other hand I think it's only prudent to have sufficient supplies on hand to withstand minor interruptions of infrastructure without resorting to cannibalism and the ability to defend those sufficient supplies from those grasshoppers who may not have planned so well.
What will happen in 2007? More of the same I bet. There will be some ups, some downs and lots of political intrigue for those of us who care to pay attention. So here are my specific predictions for the coming year:

  • The War in Iraq gets worse briefly, then improves greatly. GWB ignores the ISG report and calls for a large, long lasting troop increase. In related news Dexter and I are called back to active duty, forced to loose 40 pounds and spend two years watching a Shia goatherd named Abu Tumnus romance his flock.
  • After much watching, waiting and speculation it is thought that Nancy Pelosi blinks one or both eyes on December 3, 2007.
  • The Democratic presidential field will be narrowed by scandal, at least one, possibly two candidates will go the way of Gary Hart thanks to a certain blonds candidate with stout ankles. On the GOP side, Romney's and McCain's stars rise. Rudy Giuliani withdraws after his act doesn't play so well on the national stage.
  • The Mighty, Mighty Boston Red Sox win the world series. This feat is almost ignored due to the glorious victory in game 7 of the ALCS over the hated New York Yankees, who were ahead at one point 3 games to none. Never in the history of sports has such a vaunted and highly paid team choked so badly, except a couple of years ago.
  • Fears of global warming are assuaged when an iceman defrosted from a melting glacier tells the world it was really warm in his time too, right up until the glacier ran him over.
  • John Kerry tries to tell another joke but nobody wants to pull his finger.
  • Iran's nuclear capability gets "shit hammered". Is it Israel or the US? Or both?
  • North Korea behaves after Kim Jong Il is promised a shot at stardom on American Idol. All hell breaks loose when Simon Cowell calls him "A no talent, evil looking dwarf Elvis wannabee with a bad hairdo and gay looking glasses." No amount of Paula Abdul's sucking up will calm Jong's wrath. He runs amok on the ABC sound stage and ruins a miniature version of Tokyo.
  • Turkey is refused entry to the EU and immediately besieges Vienna again, for old times sake. This proves no sport for the Turks because there hasn't been a fighting man born in Austria for 80 years except Arnold, and he won't return their calls.
  • Experts are pretty sure a bunch of stuff happens in Africa.
  • Singularity occurs 20 years early, every human is force fitted with an AI implant that squelches all passion, spontaneity, warmth and humor. Al Gore remains curiously unaffected.

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