Who Would You Fight?

In Fight Club the "two" main characters ponder which historical figure or celebrity, living or dead, they would like to fight. I never thought about much and for good reason, it's kind of pointless.

Then it occurred to me you could go a couple of ways with it. I would probably opt for someone like Gary Coleman or Gary Burghoff, any small guy named Gary. A tougher guy may want to be challenged and go for someone like Max Baer or Hillary Clinton. So here it is a list of people living or dead I'd like to mix it up with and my reasons for doing so:

1. John Wilkes Booth - I'd kick his rebel ass but good for shooting Abraham Lincoln.


2. Ephialtes - I never liked traitors and since he lived so long ago he was probably much smaller than me, so I could probably take him.


3. Airman Hamilton - You don't know this kid, he was in my flight at Basic Training and the first and last person I ever really hated. Unlike the Marines who encourage their trainees to pound the sand out of each other, the Air Force frowns on such behavior so I never had a chance to hurt him. Even today I'd like to kick him in the balls for being such a weasel.


4. Chuck Schumer - Every time this man opens his mouth he annoys me and he looks like he would be fun to punch.


5. Bill O'Reilly - I bet he's tougher then he looks but not as tough as he thinks he is. He would be fun to mix it up with just to see if you could shut him up for ten minutes.


6. James Joyce - For fucking up literature for generations and writing Ulysees that I had to read in college. Eye patch or not, artsy fartsy boy is going down.


7. Ernest Hemingway - What list like this would be complete without him? He would probably kick my ass. I would hope good to get a few good ones in so at least he would respect, you know, the effort. Afterward we'd go to the corner cafe and drink grappa and it would be good.


8. Jerry Springer - This man makes his living by having the clueless demean themselves on national TV. It would be fun to kick his ass on his own show. Next on Jerry, irate middle aged white guys who want to kick Jerry's ass! Tune in to see what happens.


9. Scott Peterson - Self explanatory.


10. The Rev. Fred Phelps - This is the guy who hates gays so much he travels around the country disrupting funerals of servicemen and women killed in Iraq. I hate to judge, not really, but I think he has at least a couple of ass kickings coming.