Friday, May 25, 2007

Greg's Unspeakable Truth, Bad News

They have stopped updating Greg's Unspeakable Truth. Perhaps Greg Gutfeld is too busy with Red Eye and rolling nude in piles of freshly minted $100 bills to bother with it any more. Just as well, I have spent far too much time writing little snippets of unmentionable veracities. Listed below are most if not all of the Unspeakables I have posted, N.B. some are kind of pointy so if you are easily offended you had better wise the heck up. (Only kidding, you may wish to stop reading)

Did you ever notice that the intro Bob Marley’s "Get Up, Stand Up" kinda sounds like the theme to "The Peoples Court"?

It doesn’t matter how ugly, boring or liberal you are, after I’ve had four or five Gimlets everything that comes out of your mouth seems funny to me, especially vomit.

Tools who park sideways across two or three parking spaces because they think hey have a nice car are just begging to get keyed.

I bet the guys in The Wiggles get all the MILF action they can handle.

I don’t think Chef Boyardee is a real chef, if he is, he’s not a very good one.

Even chunky and bald I bet Brittany is still a pretty good roll in the hay.

The daily special is food that is about to go bad so the restaurant pushes it before it spoils. Enjoy.
Hotels know exactly which movies you watched on PPV you pervert.

Farting on a crowded elevator is hilarious when you do it, disgusting and unforgivable when someone else does.

If you have more than ten Unspeakable Truths "published" you need to get a life.

I always find it amusing to give a half a pack of Chocolaty Ex-Lax to this Chihuahua named Biscuit a snooty lady carries around town in her Prada bag. If only I could find a way to feed him blueberries too.

If nude autopsy photos of Anna Nicole Smith became available they would be widely published to the delight of many disgusting degenerates.

If you're planning to murder your pregnant wife, don’t do it. Not only is double homicide is a mortal sin, your chances of getting away with it are nonexistent since you will be the prime suspect from jump.

Meter maids are notorious for being miserable, old harridans. Whenever I see one ticketing cars outside my office, I run down, lift her up in a big bear hug and plant a big, sloppy, wet kiss on her. It never gets me out of a ticket, but I think it brightens her day a bit.

If you hope that ribs on your condom will make the difference, you need to rework your game.

Few things are more embarrassing than misspelling "illiterate" when flaming someone in an online forum.

If you look at drunken Miss USA Tara Conner and think "that’s too bad", you’re gay as hell. On the other hand if you think it would fun to have a few drinks with her and see where things go, you’re kidding yourself.

When micturating in public, it’s best to stand at attention, face town hall and Old Glory above it and salute gravely with your free hand. Only a god dammed Bolshevik would molest you during such a moment.

When firing an employee you should do it on a Friday and use the "Knock, knock" method. Call them into your office late Friday afternoon and say "Knock, knock." Curious, he or she will reply "Who’s there?" and then you say "Not you anymore, pack your shit. You’re fucking fired." I find levity alleviates what can often be a tense situation and helps the employee transition to a life of day time TV watching.

It’s perfectly acceptable to stiff your waitress on her tip if she has small breasts. To stiff an ample breasted gal, however, is just plain niggardly.

In a perfect world, the person who invented Karaoke and every drunk who ever tried it would be abraded to non-existence by a high speed sander using fine grain salt impregnated sandpaper.

The best way to break up with a woman is to be honest with her and tell that your wife found out about your relationship and she demanded that you end it. Most of the time your new ex girlfriend will really appreciate the honesty. If not, fuck her, you weren’t the one dating a married man.

If you have poor impulse control and are a bit of a tool, it may behoove you to memorize the symptoms of Tourettes Syndrome.

If you crave excitement but don’t have a lot of cash, hangout at an urban Emergency Room on a Saturday night, sit back and enjoy life’s rich pageant.

Call me superficial, but I think starving children are a small price to pay for the spectacle of a very well fed Sally Struthers strolling around emaciated, naked children in some third world shit hole with her stubby gams stuffed into her ridiculous cowboy boots.

Two types of men want to become Scout leaders. The first are decent, normal men who believe in Scouting and want to instruct the kids. The second type, just want to be around boys. Any guesses about how many of the second type are running around?

Chances of winning Power ball, 1 in 146,107,962. Chances of being killed by a crackhead robbing the 7-11 while purchasing your ticket, 1 in 500.

If you order your food in Chinese while dining at a Chinese restaurant they will charge you less. If you mock them with silly pigeon Engrish they’ll spit in your food at the very least.

Unless you need the phrase "tragic industrial meat grinder accident" there’s nothing you can say about The Dixie Chicks that is remotely interesting.

If you’re into the Grateful Dead or Phish and like to smoke dope, DO NOT put their sticker on your car. You might as well beg the police to pull your stoner ass over and strip search you.

John Amaechi may be gay, but that only concerns you if you date him. Tim Hardaway is a pernicious asshole, which concerns everybody.

If your in your mid to late thirties and have never been married chances are you have some major issues other than being very unattractive.

I can’t take Yoda seriously. Every time he opens his little green pie hole, all I hear is Fozzy Bear.

It would be hysterical if Eddie Murphy mistakenly bought a first class, around the world ticket on Air Tran. Boy, would he be disappointed.

There’s no such thing as "Sea Monkeys" they’re just brine shrimp.

If Barack Obama was named Brian O`Bannon you would have never heard of him and he certainly would not be running for president.

People who drive around with "Violence Never Solved Anything" bumper stickers need their asses kicked. It won’t get rid of the sticker, but it will make me feel better.

There was a time when Cindy Sheehan had moral capital, now she`s crazy as bat shit.

The myth that it’s lucky to have a bird shit on your head was made up to console people who had a bird shit on their head.

Katie Couric is perky because she devours a live, whole puppy before each show.

You don’t have any black friends. The black guy from the office who was at happy hour the Wednesday before Thanksgiving isn’t "down with you" and thinks you’re a bit of prick.

Chris Dodd couldn’t be elected president of the Hair Club for Men.

If the police have been to your home because of something you did, you are probably a low life.

A comb over is a lie everyone agrees to ignore, but no one believes.

Attempted murder is one thing but wearing diapers while doing so is just bizarre.

The price of diamonds is completely artificial. The fact that women wear them is a sign of their utter incompetence in financial matters. The fact that men buy diamonds is yet more proof that men will do anything to get laid.

Most dogs are better than most people, yet they still roll in shit. This is not a criticism of dogs.

Don’t try to act all blue collar when dropping your car off at the garage. You don’t know an O2 sensor from a Gillett Sensor and the mechanics know it so you're going to get boned.

9 out of 10 Sommeliers are complete frauds and haven’t a clue what to recommend. Fortunately for them you don’t know a thing about wine.

When police arrest a pedophile and search his home they almost always find Star Trek memorabilia. The FBI opines that almost all pervs are Trekkies, but not all Trekkies are pervs. Even so, keep Trekkies away from your kids.

In Hollywood, Michael Jackson is only slightly weirder than average.

If you’re a man over 40 and you have a ponytail most people despise you on sight.

You are much more likely to kill yourself than win the lottery or play pro ball.

If you think there is a pill you can take that will magically enlarge your penis, you deserve a small penis for being so damn gullible.

The whole stripper working her way through college thing is myth, as is the hooker with a heart of gold. Women who strip or hook are highly dysfunctional and more than likely drug addicted, and if you patronize either you're part of the problem.

Bald men living today should thank God they live in a time and place where all they have to do is grow a goatee, shave their head and voila! They’re a hipster/biker dude, not a middle aged bald guy.

Go ahead say you read Finnegan’s Wake and Ulysses no one will call you on it because no one you know has read it either

If you had an embarrassing, painful or potentially deadly STD, would you risk missing a night of crazy, anonymous, monkey sex with a one night stand by telling them about it before hand? Do you think everybody feels this way?

Bumper stickers propagate as rational, independent thought decreases and are primarily a liberal affectation. If you see a car with more than five bumper stickers there is a 90% probability the owner is liberal and a pain in the ass about it.

There are few things more divergent than men’s fantasies about lesbians and the reality of lesbians. Fantasy: Vanessa Williams, silk, Penthouse. Reality: Rosy O’Donnell, yards of stretchy fabric, The View.

Pigs are smarter and if given a chance much more affable than dogs. Unfortunately for them they are also delicious.

1 comment:

Dexter said...

There is another Marley song that sounds like the theme to The Banana Splits...