Sunday, September 16, 2007

News Flash: Lincoln Chaffee No Longer A Republican

Long time RINO Lincoln Chaffee, (Turncoat) Rhode Island, has announced that he has left the party of Lincoln, to the shock and amazement of no one.
In related news:
  • Madonna (Madonna Louise Ciccone-Penn-Leone-Ritchie) announced she is not a virgin, far from. In fact she believes herself to be rather "fun".
  • Conservative windbag Bill O'Reilly announced that he's really full of shit and doesn't have a shadow of a clue about 99.99999% of the stuff he has bombastic opinions about.
  • Keira Knightley admitted she has a jaw bigger than Quagmire's and a bit of a weight problem before a slight breeze blew her off beyond the horizon.
  • Rosie O'Donnell affirmed that the ugliness she sports on the outside is but a dim reflection of the absolute and profound hideousness on the inside.
  • Hillary Clinton, in a rare moment of magnanimity and perhaps uniquely qualified to do so, donated both of her ankles to former NFL defensive lineman William Refrigerator Perry. It seems the Fridge has put on a few pounds since his playing days and he needed some stouter ankles to support his 350 lb + frame.
  • Bill Clinton announced that he likes to have sexual relations and non-sexual relations with women, preferably women who are not his wife.
  • The Rev. Jessie Jackson has come clean and admitted that for the last forty years the only black man he helped was the Rev. Jessie Jackson.
  • Former U.S. Senator Larry Craig (R.) Minnesota admitted that he's ten times gayer than Waylon Smithers and Waylon Flowers combined, not that there's anything wrong with that.
  • The makers of Tag Body Spray admitted that their product is really just crappy spray on cologne and is unlikely to get you mobbed by a bunch of young hotties unless that sort of thing happens to you all the time anyway.
  • Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, said that the whole iPhone price lowering fiasco was a perfectly planned and executed ponzi scheme to identify millions of gullible people in order to placate them with a $100 credit to Apple stores where the average item costs well over $1,000. Jobs cackled hauntingly, amused by his own duplicity and brilliance, then vanished in a cloud of thick sulfurous smoke.
  • The publishers of fashion magazines Elle, Vogue, Cosmo, GQ, Glamour etc. admitted that the monthly tripe they publish is without any lasting merit and more often than not harms people by creating and sustaining unrealistic notions of human worth and beauty. Between binges and purges, one unnamed editor opined that the only time her readers benefits from her publication is when they use it as a coaster or to line the cage of a small pet.

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