Thursday, October 20, 2005

Europe Vs. The USA

Unlike most Americans I like Europe. In fact I’ve been to several different European countries and to help my fellow Americans understand our friends across the pond let’s dispel some myths and set some stories straight.
  • Europeans don’t bathe. True in some places, i.e. most of Europe, but not always true. The smell could just be the goat’s ass they ate for lunch. Scandinavians bathe all the time, what else are they going to do? The English for some reason are nuts about bathing their feet. Why I don’t know.
  • Europeans have a different word for everything. False. If it was invented in the last 120 years or is useful to any hominid that walks on two legs, the word will usually be the same as ours. They may say it all funny – but they just do that to be difficult. Think of Inspector Clouseau asking to use a “phoenne”.
  • They have a proud heritage and ancient traditions. True and false, depends. In Greece they are very proud of Periclean Athens but are ashamed to have been ruled by the Turk for almost 400 years, which represents the last time they had an effective government. In truth by now most Greek culture is Turkish, but don’t point that out to them it pisses them of like you wouldn’t believe. In France everyone you talk to had parents or grandparents who were in the “resistance”. I think the only thing the French ever resisted was hygiene and political restraint. Most collaborated with the Nazis so feverently their lips still conform to Nazi rectums. Vichy bastards. Make no mistake the only Europeans who were on the right side during WWII were the Brits, Poles and sometime the Italians when they tried to “help” the Germans. Having the Italian Army on your side during a shooting war is like seeing Hillary Clinton naked – it’s not often done and for good reason.
  • British food is horrible. Not true. You can find good East Indian food almost everywhere in Britain. Actual British food for the most part can not be eaten unless there is a money wager involved. Yorkshire Pudding is NOT pudding but Blood Sausage is exactly that – you have been warned. With that said there are more Five Star restaurants in London than Paris if eating pancreas and God knows what else is your thing. The Brits are among the best foreigners you will meet mostly because they speak English and because they are polite, maybe too polite judging by recent events. British Policeman, aka Bobbies look harmless enough because they don’t carry guns but don’t screw with them. I think there is a lot of paperwork here in the U.S. if a cop shoots somebody but the Bobbies don’t have to fill out shit if they pound the crap out of you with their billy clubs. Ask yourself this question; who were we limiting with our Bill of Rights? If you see Tinkers in Britain or Ireland stay away from them, they’re no damn good. The same is true of Albanians in Greece, Gypsies in Eastern Europe, and Arabs in France.
  • The British have bad teeth. True. But so do the Irish and everyone in Eastern Europe and the former Soviet Union. Germans have nice teeth but they rarely smile and when they do you should be very concerned particularly if you are Jewish, Catholic, Roma, a trade unionist or gay. I’ve come to believe that tea-drinking cultures have really bad teeth.
  • The women in Spain are the best looking in Europe. True. Look at them while you can because their Salafi – Wahhabi masters will have them all wearing burkas before too long. There was a time when less then a hundred Spanish soldiers conquered one of the largest and most blood thirsty and repressive empires in human history.
  • The only thing on time in Spain are the BullFights. True. Be sure to drag that annoying PETA friend with you to the Corrida. Tell him/her that you saw the bull before in the countryside, sitting peacefully under a tree and he was crying. Give the bull a name too, something endearing. You might mention that the Matador beats his wife and kids too, just to see if you can goad the PETArd into intervening on behalf of the bull. I can tell you there are few things as amusing as watching 3000 drunken Spaniards beating the dog shit out of some English speaking PETArd. Oddly enough there is profound religious and cultural symbolism and prehistoric precedent in bullfighting, so the Spanish have little tolerance for the “Morrisey Meat is Murder” crowd.


dexter said...

Cite your sources dude.

Anonymous said...

laughter came out my mouth