- Call me suspicious when a 36 year old man can't trot around the base path without ripping his plantar fascia, I would wager some past chemical enhancements are to blame. Look hard and well boyos, this is what steroids do for you; tens of millions of dollars and all the time in the world to enjoy them.
- A-Rod is getting some flack for shouting at rookie and getting him to drop the ball. I don't like A-Rod that much but I can't say he was that far out of line, still he's gonna get drilled the next time New York plays Toronto.
- Rumors swirl that the listless Yankees may trade Johny Damon. That's cool. I don't have much more to say because I don't care and Damon matters very little at this point.
- More A-Rod news. I guess he's been seen about town with a busty blonde who is decidedly not Mrs. A-Rod. I hope he has a good prenup. The NYC press has come up with some good names: Stray-Rod and Yankee-Doodle-Randy. Enjoy yourself Alex, stay out late, drink up. Life is short.
- It's a good thing that Chien-Ming Wang pitches for the Yankees in the AL. If he were to bat in the NL, get on base and get caught in squeeze play, things could get embarrassing.
- If the Sox sweep the Yanks this weekend at home they will be 16.5 games ahead of the Evil Empire. Heads will probably roll if that happens. If the Yanks sweep the Sox, not bloody likely, the Yankees will still be 10.5 games behind. It's hard to play with a fork in your ass.
- If John Lester comes back and is effective, how great will that be? Now if only Lugo, Drew and Crisp can figure out how to hit the ball we will be unstoppable.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
NEW YORK — Rosie O'Donnell said she may never speak to Elisabeth Hasselbeck again following their now-infamous confrontation on "The View" on Wednesday.
In a video entry posted on her blog, O'Donnell said Hasselbeck called and spoke to her partner Kelli Carpenter for a long time. O'Donnell said she didn't speak with Hasselbeck and 'probably won't,' but they did exchange e-mails.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
"The hotel predominantly markets itself towards homosexual males, towards gay men and we want to protect the integrity of the venue as well as continue to make the men feel comfortable," McFeely said. "When large numbers of heterosexuals or even lesbians are in the hotel that changes the atmosphere and many gay men can feel uncomfortable." McFeely said his aim was not to ban all straight patrons and lesbians but to limit their numbers so gay men could freely express their sexuality. He said he expected a backlash from other patrons, but added: "I'm not worried about it because to be frank I don't really care what heterosexuals or lesbians think."My main motivation is to protect my gay male customers and I realise heterosexuals and lesbians may be upset, but I don't care about that."
"The hotel predominantly markets itself towards heterosexual males, towards straight men and we want to protect the integrity of the venue as well as continue to make the men feel comfortable," McFeely said. "When large numbers of homosexuals or even lesbians are in the hotel that changes the atmosphere and many straight men can feel uncomfortable." McFeely said his aim was not to ban
all gay patrons and lesbians but to limit their numbers so straight men could freely express their sexuality. He said he expected a backlash from other patrons, but added: "I'm not worried about it because to be frank I don't really care what homosexuals or lesbians think. "My main motivation is to protect my straight male customers and I realise homosexuals and lesbians may be upset, but I don't care about that.”
Monday, May 28, 2007
More young American men have died from autoerotic asphyxiation than have been killed in combat in Iraq, but do you hear Nancy Pelosi talking about a time table for ending dangerous masturbation practices?
People who suffer from S.A.D. will either be wiped out in the next ice age or become an uber race of super berserk warriors.
Visit the original.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Citation: The President of the United States of America, authorized by Title 10, section 8742, U.S.C., awards the Air Force Cross to TSgt John Chapman for extraordinary heroism in military operation against an armed enemy of the United
States as a 24th Special Tactics Squadron, Combat Controller in the vicinity of
Gardez, in the eastern highlands of Afghanistan, on 4 March 2002. On this date,
during his helicopter insertion for a reconnaissance and time sensitive targeting close air support mission, Sergeant Chapman's aircraft came under heavy machine gun fire and received a direct hit from a rocket propelled grenade which caused a United States Navy sea-air-land team member to fall from the aircraft. Though heavily damaged, the aircraft egressed the area and made an emergency landing seven kilometers away. Once on the ground Sergeant Chapman established communication with an AC-130 gunship to insure the area was secure while providing close air support coverage for the entire team. He then directed the gunship to begin the search for the missing team member. He requested, coordinated, and controlled the helicopter that extracted the stranded team and aircrew members. These actions limited the exposure of the aircrew and team to hostile fire. Without regard for his own life Sergeant Chapman volunteered to rescue his missing team member from an enemy strong hold. Shortly after insertion, the team made contact with the enemy. Sergeant Chapman engaged and killed two enemy personnel. He continued to advance reaching the enemy position then engaged a second enemy position, a dug-in machine gun nest. At this time the rescue team came under effective enemy fire from three directions. From close range he exchanged fire with the enemy from minimum personal cover until he succumbed to multiple wounds. His engagement and destruction of the first enemy position and advancement on the second position enabled his team to move to cover and break enemy contact. In his own words, his Navy sea-air-land team leader credits Sergeant Chapman unequivocally with saving the lives of the entire rescue team. Through his extraordinary heroism, superb airmanship, aggressiveness in the face of the enemy, and the dedication to the service of his country, Sergeant Chapman reflects the highest credit upon himself and the United States Air Force.
Friday, May 25, 2007
They have stopped updating Greg's Unspeakable Truth. Perhaps Greg Gutfeld is too busy with Red Eye and rolling nude in piles of freshly minted $100 bills to bother with it any more. Just as well, I have spent far too much time writing little snippets of unmentionable veracities. Listed below are most if not all of the Unspeakables I have posted, N.B. some are kind of pointy so if you are easily offended you had better wise the heck up. (Only kidding, you may wish to stop reading)
Did you ever notice that the intro Bob Marley’s "Get Up, Stand Up" kinda sounds like the theme to "The Peoples Court"?
It doesn’t matter how ugly, boring or liberal you are, after I’ve had four or five Gimlets everything that comes out of your mouth seems funny to me, especially vomit.
Tools who park sideways across two or three parking spaces because they think hey have a nice car are just begging to get keyed.
I bet the guys in The Wiggles get all the MILF action they can handle.
I don’t think Chef Boyardee is a real chef, if he is, he’s not a very good one.
Even chunky and bald I bet Brittany is still a pretty good roll in the hay.
The daily special is food that is about to go bad so the restaurant pushes it before it spoils. Enjoy.
Hotels know exactly which movies you watched on PPV you pervert.
Farting on a crowded elevator is hilarious when you do it, disgusting and unforgivable when someone else does.
If you have more than ten Unspeakable Truths "published" you need to get a life.
I always find it amusing to give a half a pack of Chocolaty Ex-Lax to this Chihuahua named Biscuit a snooty lady carries around town in her Prada bag. If only I could find a way to feed him blueberries too.
If nude autopsy photos of Anna Nicole Smith became available they would be widely published to the delight of many disgusting degenerates.
If you're planning to murder your pregnant wife, don’t do it. Not only is double homicide is a mortal sin, your chances of getting away with it are nonexistent since you will be the prime suspect from jump.
Meter maids are notorious for being miserable, old harridans. Whenever I see one ticketing cars outside my office, I run down, lift her up in a big bear hug and plant a big, sloppy, wet kiss on her. It never gets me out of a ticket, but I think it brightens her day a bit.
If you hope that ribs on your condom will make the difference, you need to rework your game.
Few things are more embarrassing than misspelling "illiterate" when flaming someone in an online forum.
If you look at drunken Miss USA Tara Conner and think "that’s too bad", you’re gay as hell. On the other hand if you think it would fun to have a few drinks with her and see where things go, you’re kidding yourself.
When micturating in public, it’s best to stand at attention, face town hall and Old Glory above it and salute gravely with your free hand. Only a god dammed Bolshevik would molest you during such a moment.
When firing an employee you should do it on a Friday and use the "Knock, knock" method. Call them into your office late Friday afternoon and say "Knock, knock." Curious, he or she will reply "Who’s there?" and then you say "Not you anymore, pack your shit. You’re fucking fired." I find levity alleviates what can often be a tense situation and helps the employee transition to a life of day time TV watching.
It’s perfectly acceptable to stiff your waitress on her tip if she has small breasts. To stiff an ample breasted gal, however, is just plain niggardly.
In a perfect world, the person who invented Karaoke and every drunk who ever tried it would be abraded to non-existence by a high speed sander using fine grain salt impregnated sandpaper.
The best way to break up with a woman is to be honest with her and tell that your wife found out about your relationship and she demanded that you end it. Most of the time your new ex girlfriend will really appreciate the honesty. If not, fuck her, you weren’t the one dating a married man.
If you have poor impulse control and are a bit of a tool, it may behoove you to memorize the symptoms of Tourettes Syndrome.
If you crave excitement but don’t have a lot of cash, hangout at an urban Emergency Room on a Saturday night, sit back and enjoy life’s rich pageant.
Call me superficial, but I think starving children are a small price to pay for the spectacle of a very well fed Sally Struthers strolling around emaciated, naked children in some third world shit hole with her stubby gams stuffed into her ridiculous cowboy boots.
Two types of men want to become Scout leaders. The first are decent, normal men who believe in Scouting and want to instruct the kids. The second type, just want to be around boys. Any guesses about how many of the second type are running around?
Chances of winning Power ball, 1 in 146,107,962. Chances of being killed by a crackhead robbing the 7-11 while purchasing your ticket, 1 in 500.
If you order your food in Chinese while dining at a Chinese restaurant they will charge you less. If you mock them with silly pigeon Engrish they’ll spit in your food at the very least.
Unless you need the phrase "tragic industrial meat grinder accident" there’s nothing you can say about The Dixie Chicks that is remotely interesting.
If you’re into the Grateful Dead or Phish and like to smoke dope, DO NOT put their sticker on your car. You might as well beg the police to pull your stoner ass over and strip search you.
John Amaechi may be gay, but that only concerns you if you date him. Tim Hardaway is a pernicious asshole, which concerns everybody.
If your in your mid to late thirties and have never been married chances are you have some major issues other than being very unattractive.
I can’t take Yoda seriously. Every time he opens his little green pie hole, all I hear is Fozzy Bear.
It would be hysterical if Eddie Murphy mistakenly bought a first class, around the world ticket on Air Tran. Boy, would he be disappointed.
There’s no such thing as "Sea Monkeys" they’re just brine shrimp.
If Barack Obama was named Brian O`Bannon you would have never heard of him and he certainly would not be running for president.
People who drive around with "Violence Never Solved Anything" bumper stickers need their asses kicked. It won’t get rid of the sticker, but it will make me feel better.
There was a time when Cindy Sheehan had moral capital, now she`s crazy as bat shit.
The myth that it’s lucky to have a bird shit on your head was made up to console people who had a bird shit on their head.
Katie Couric is perky because she devours a live, whole puppy before each show.
You don’t have any black friends. The black guy from the office who was at happy hour the Wednesday before Thanksgiving isn’t "down with you" and thinks you’re a bit of prick.
Chris Dodd couldn’t be elected president of the Hair Club for Men.
If the police have been to your home because of something you did, you are probably a low life.
A comb over is a lie everyone agrees to ignore, but no one believes.
Attempted murder is one thing but wearing diapers while doing so is just bizarre.
The price of diamonds is completely artificial. The fact that women wear them is a sign of their utter incompetence in financial matters. The fact that men buy diamonds is yet more proof that men will do anything to get laid.
Most dogs are better than most people, yet they still roll in shit. This is not a criticism of dogs.
Don’t try to act all blue collar when dropping your car off at the garage. You don’t know an O2 sensor from a Gillett Sensor and the mechanics know it so you're going to get boned.
9 out of 10 Sommeliers are complete frauds and haven’t a clue what to recommend. Fortunately for them you don’t know a thing about wine.
When police arrest a pedophile and search his home they almost always find Star Trek memorabilia. The FBI opines that almost all pervs are Trekkies, but not all Trekkies are pervs. Even so, keep Trekkies away from your kids.
In Hollywood, Michael Jackson is only slightly weirder than average.
If you’re a man over 40 and you have a ponytail most people despise you on sight.
You are much more likely to kill yourself than win the lottery or play pro ball.
If you think there is a pill you can take that will magically enlarge your penis, you deserve a small penis for being so damn gullible.
The whole stripper working her way through college thing is myth, as is the hooker with a heart of gold. Women who strip or hook are highly dysfunctional and more than likely drug addicted, and if you patronize either you're part of the problem.
Bald men living today should thank God they live in a time and place where all they have to do is grow a goatee, shave their head and voila! They’re a hipster/biker dude, not a middle aged bald guy.
Go ahead say you read Finnegan’s Wake and Ulysses no one will call you on it because no one you know has read it either
If you had an embarrassing, painful or potentially deadly STD, would you risk missing a night of crazy, anonymous, monkey sex with a one night stand by telling them about it before hand? Do you think everybody feels this way?
Bumper stickers propagate as rational, independent thought decreases and are primarily a liberal affectation. If you see a car with more than five bumper stickers there is a 90% probability the owner is liberal and a pain in the ass about it.
There are few things more divergent than men’s fantasies about lesbians and the reality of lesbians. Fantasy: Vanessa Williams, silk, Penthouse. Reality: Rosy O’Donnell, yards of stretchy fabric, The View.
Pigs are smarter and if given a chance much more affable than dogs. Unfortunately for them they are also delicious.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
The BMJ piece suggests genitoplasty is a classic example of where commercial, media and social pressures artificially create a problem, fuel concern over it and then put forward a solution for it.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Keep the Mitt-mentum Going!
Thank you for joining Team Mitt during the nationwide grassroots effort, Sign Up America! It was a huge success and we surpassed the goal of signing up 24,000 new supporters in 24 hours. Thanks to you, we have over 30,000 new members on board with Team Mitt.
Such strong support shows that Mitt’s message of bringing conservative change to Washington is reaching families from coast to coast. Look to Iowa, where the first and pivotal presidential straw poll caucus will take place.
Mitt-mentum! Are they that unaware of the derision heaped upon poor clueless Joe Lieberman for his now infamous Joe-mentum catch phrase? Apparently so.
Fear not faithful readers I haven't jumped onto to the Haircut's bandwagon, I merely subscribe to most of the major candidates email lists just to stay abreast of what festers beneath all that hairspray.
Jody Williams and five other female Nobel prize laureates on Tuesday urged civilians to press for the elimination of cluster bombs, which cripple children and others long after the fighting has stopped.
"While so many of the worlds arms cause so much human misery, cluster munitions deserve to be singled out as an especially pernicious weapon of ill repute," Williams said.
"They have become synonymous with civilian casualties," the US Nobel laureate read from the statement signed by her and five women Nobel Peace Prize winners: Rigoberta Menchu (Guatemala-1992); Shirin Ebadi ( Iran-2003); Wangari Maathai (Kenya-2004); Betty Williams and Mairead Corrigan Maguire (Ireland-1976).
Thursday, May 17, 2007
- Don't Change by INXS
- Ultraviolet by U2
- Head On by The Pixies
- I Can Never Take The Place of Your Man by Prince
- Dammit by Blink 182
- Born to Run by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
- Somebody Got Murdered by The Clash
- It's The End of The Word As We Know It by REM
- Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order
- Allison is Starting to Happen by The Lemonheads
Feel free to add your own, this list will change as conditions and mood warrant. Re-reading this list it occurs to me that I'm getting old, most of these songs came out in the 90s.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Friday, May 11, 2007
I'm just surprised at how, almost 30 years after I worked on the "Evening News" as the first woman producer, that Katie is having such a tough time being accepted by the public, which seems to prefer the news from white guys, and now that Charlie's doing so well, from older white guys. I guess they want the reassurance of a Walter Cronkite.
It could be that or maybe people just don't like like Katie Couric. I may be a bad judge because I don't watch any network news, but if I were to do so I would avoid Couric like a case of bleeding gonorrhea. Why? Because she's on CBS news which is about as trustworthy a news source as Baghdad Bob and she's as annoying as nails on a chalkboard.
Newsflash Linda, Walter Cronkite was a lying son of a bitch too, but back then we didn't have the internet to fact check his commie loving ass. You could have replaced Dan Rather with Mahatma Gandhi after Rathergate and it wouldn't have made a difference. The days of network news have passed.
"I am so excited to share with you guys that I've adopted a little boy. He was born two weeks ago," Crow announced on her Web site Friday. She told fans the boy's name "is Wyatt (after my dad) Steven (after my little brother and Scooter) and we are enjoying some very private family time."
Green grow the rashes, O;
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Read the whole thing and wonder at the restraint of the author for omitting the terms "Donnybrook" and "Paddy Wagon". Oddly enough I haven't seen a fist fight at Fenway, in the stands anyway, since 1981.
- Jessica Alba will no longer wear revealing outfits in feature films, she will now lecture on Sylvia Plath poetry at our nation's women's colleges.
- The John Deere company has engaged legendary auto designer Enzo Ferrari to design their new, entry level farm tractor. Enzo says he looks forward to working in green and cast iron.
- Stephen Hawking will now be the starting center for the Miami Heat. Shaquille O'Neal will now try to explain the origins of the universe.
- Al Gore will lecture us on global warming.
- Yao Ming has left the NBA and entered a apprentice jockey program at Churchill Downs.
- David Hasselhoff and Alec Baldwin are co-authoring a book on parenting.
- Hillary Clinton has given up the trappings of power and is giving charm lessons at Vassar.
- Rosy O'Donnell fresh from the View, will now lecture on Physics at MIT.
If these uses of manpower sound silly, imagine reassigning a man who writes engagingly about visits to Target with his daughter to write about bond issues. While I'm sure Lileks can do it, even if he's disinclined to, why would you?
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Barack Obama? Please. The man has all the gravitas of Keanu Reeves and the political insight of Barbara Streisand. If his name were Barney O' Bannion, with his experience, his candidacy would be laughable. The fact that he's Black and "clean" as in he hasn't shaken down half of the Fortune 500 or encouraged a mob to murder by arson are two of his main attributes. Try finding three more.
John Edwards, sorry but the Breck boy preaching about global warming and two Americas while living in 20,000 square foot house doesn't inspire much enthusiasm. He'll have to to bring more to the stump than a spendy haircut and class warfare if he wants to win the nomination. People who know how this s.o.b. earned all his money know that he and his ilk are part of the problem and a long way removed from the solution.
Bill Richardson is kind of interesting. I'd like to hear more about him. Every time I have heard him speak, I thought him well spoken and diplomatic. I fear his politics are the same old tired lefty group think, but he seems to be a decent guy.
Chris Dodd, no one not even Dodd himself thinks he has the slightest chance of becoming president. His candidacy is all about vanity or perhaps a bar wager. Here in Connecticut where a new high school principle is front page news, Dodd's campaign hasn't created any Doddmentum or Chris-to-buzz. In fact we liked it better when he was drinking heavily with Teddy Kennedy and getting handy with D.C. waitresses, Yankee Doodle being the state song and all.
Dennis Kucinich, it's easy to make fun of Kucinich, but I admire him because I believe he believes, all the crazy shit that comes out of his mouth. I don't think he's qualified to run a rural lending library or even borrow from one, but I don't think we have to worry about him being nominated either.
Al Gore used to be kind of centrist Democrat and a sane, if kinda stiff, sorta pol. Then he lost in 2000 to GWB because Bubba was getting hummers in the Oval Office and that unhinged him. Since then he's been crazier than the cat lady on the Simpson's.
Joe Biden is fun because occasionally he says something he means. The problem is you have to listen to him to hear it. He's yet another senator who thinks he has a chance at the presidency for no other reason than he thinks he does, but again, he doesn't.
Mike Gravel, despite a great sounding name this man is all flip when he isn't all flop. Yet another tired Democrat politico who you will never hear from again after 2007 unless you are unfortunate enough to be from his state, whichever state that happens to be.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
The story behind the song is told here. (link via BostonDirtDogs.com)
For my part, I'm glad he went with the Yankees. As Bill Simmonms says, "There's finally a villain on the 2007 Yankees. Just like the good old days. I was tired of talking myself into despising A-Rod and Posada."
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Friday, May 04, 2007
VIENNA, Austria (AP) - In some ways, Hiasl is like any other Viennese: He indulges a weakness for pastry, likes to paint and enjoys chilling out watching TV.
But he doesn't care for coffee, and he isn't actually a person—at least not yet. In a case that could set a global legal precedent for granting basic rights to apes, animal rights advocates are seeking to get the 26- year-old male chimpanzee legally declared a "person."
Hiasl's supporters argue he needs that status to become a legal entity that can receive donations and get a guardian to look out for his interests.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Folk singer and anti-war activist Joan Baez says she doesn't know why she was not allowed to perform for recovering soldiers recently at Walter Reed Army Medical Center as she planned.
10. No one knew for sure that she was still alive.
9. After witnessing all the trauma of being wounded and the death and carnage of combat a Joan Baez concert would be too much to endure.
8. She sucks.
7. Rabid Anti-Americanism has not been shown to promote healing among U.S. war veterans.
6. There might be one or two Vietnam era Veterans around who remember her and they might have a K-BAR.
5. The sixties have been over for four decades.
4. Wheel of Fortune was on.
3. Servicemen tired of being spit on.
2. Communism not so chic anymore.
1. Seriously, do you really need a reason?
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